Yes, you read that correctly. I’ll never forget it. As weird as this is about to sound, somewhere in the back of my unconscious mind I thought I was invincible to anything and everything. A breakup, no problem, I can move on quickly. A rejection letter from my college of choice? No problem, I’ll just go somewhere else. A guy never called me back after sex, so what? On to the next. I was focusing on me and just living my life, working, hanging with my friends, and my favorite, partying. I like to call it ‘The Frat Boy Lifestyle.’ Keep in mind I was neither in college, in a frat, or a BOY for that matter.... That all changed when my heart got brutally broken. This time, it was SEVERELY difficult to move on. I couldn't understand why. I started questioning who I was. Why couldn't I accept this and move on, as I have in the past? At first I thought it was because there was something different about the guy. But it turns out, it wasn't the guy. It was ME.
I am a very firm believer that everything happens for a reason. A hurtful breakup was exactly what I needed to push me into my conscious awakening. That moment was the moment I realized, hey, I’m not invincible. In fact, I’m highly sensitive and I’m tired of repressing that fact.
So began my journey into a higher consciousness, and boy did it come in full force. I really did FEEL everything I NEVER allowed myself to feel. I can’t even describe the type of emotional pain I was going through. All at once, and with full force. It was a miracle I even survived. No joke. It’s one of the main reasons why I believe in miracles <3
I cried for every boyfriend and best friend I lost and never properly mourned. I cried for my absence in family functions and a closeness I didn't even know I was missing. I cried for months, I had wild and disturbing occurrences, and mostly I prayed every night to get back to my ‘normal’, an oblivious emotional imprison of no compassion and empathy. It was easier. But easier is not better. So by the grace of the universe, (the universe ALWAYS has your back) that prayer was never answered.
I became so beyond sensitive, there was a time when I literally couldn't look at a flower without crying because of its beauty. Isn't that nuts? Sounds nuts when I actually admit to it. Feeling my true feelings was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But my life had to change, so I really had no choice but to plow through the storm.
I've been noticing I've been getting back to my old self. A good mixture of sensitive and rational and something tells me this is exactly who I was supposed to become. Don’t get me wrong, I still party, but this time around, I’m being true to myself and not that old fratboy façade of me….