Being compassionate means loving everyone, including narcissists
If you’re an empath like myself, you can spot a narcissist within the first 30 seconds of meeting them. Empaths and narcissists are on completely opposite spectrums of the personality scale. Empaths are highly sensitive and extremely empathetic. Narcissists are insensitive and have very low empathy (if they had none, they’d be sociopaths). They also often tend to only love you if they receive what they need from you. Meaning, if you can’t provide them that ‘thing’ anymore, then your value is gone and they’re ‘done’ with you (which I see as not REAL love, because REAL love has no toxic dependency, or any type of return, but I digress). If you think that those statements are unfair and false, I will say, sometimes the character traits of each is skewed, and each person is different.
ANYWAY, I have come across a few narcissists in my life including a best friend’s ex-husband, an ex-boyfriend of mine, and presently, my stepfather.
As an empath, dealing with a narcissist can be quite difficult. They often don’t understand when they are being insensitive or lacking that ability to feel how the other person would feel (empathy, but also known as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes). So in situations such as this one, it can be a TINY (molecular tiny) bit easier to forgive, and let that shit go.
However, when a narcissist deliberately does things he knows are wrong, that will hurt you, or just plain seeking revenge, the forgiveness and letting go could be a more monstrous hurdle to overcome.
It’s REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY easy to label a narcissist a ‘horrible person’ (done it many times, cursed their name, and visualized kicking them in the groin) and become extremely FEARFUL of them. That is exactly what happened to me with my ex-boyfriend. I was so FEARFUL of him, I LITERALLY couldn’t be in the same room as him. See, when you’re an empath, all energy is super strong, and the negativity and fear was too painful for my soul to handle. GOOD AND BAD VIBES ARE REAL.
Empaths feel things more deeply than others and simple everyday things (watching a horror movie, visiting a graveyard, or DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST) is a nightmare.
I believe in love. Always have, regardless of the way I have acted in the past (all defense mechanisms). Love is actually the only TRUE thing in this world. When you choose fear, in lieu of love, you are choosing falsely. I choose love. I choose compassion. I choose to forgive narcissists.
Let’s be for real, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post ten days after a narcissist HURT me. I always need time to heal. Not just time either, what I DO in that time matters. I healed myself with tools and support. Coaches, Buddhism, spirituality, and also other empaths. AND yet, I can’t honestly say I am completely healed, even after all that.
When I reference choosing love over fear, I don’t mean, be fearless and throw yourself back in the narcissist’s lion den. Choosing love with a narcissist can mean lots of things, just as forgiveness can mean lots of things. I choose to forgive, but that doesn’t mean accepting hurtful behavior.
In life, we always have options.
What people don’t really understand, is that there is no such thing as the word ‘stuck’. You are never ‘stuck’, you are just CHOOSING to stay the victim. There is ALWAYS another way, and it is never too late to rewrite your story. I only speak the truth….
SO anyway, where am I going with this? I’m going into the direction of my stepfather, who I classify as a narcissist. Let me just say, he is super great and awesome, and I love him (he helps me out soooo much, I am super grateful), but he just so happens to be a narcissist. Many a times he has hurt me with what I say, and many times I try to distance myself (don’t feel guilty, if you’re doing this too as an empath, you are only trying to protect yourself). Since my mother and him are attached to the hip (I know, I know, this is an interpretation made by ME, but the evidence is overwhelming, if you’re the type who needs evidence ::wink::) this equals distancing myself from my mom. I’ve mentioned before, when I am faced with a fearful situation, I say ‘What’s the alternative?’ And the alternative is an estranged relationship from my mom. THAT to me, is unacceptable. SO, since I have no control over other people’s behavior, I can only control mine. I need to CHANGE how I am BEING with this situation.
Nowadays, I practice shielding negative energy. Ever have a person tell you to ‘get over it’ or ‘don’t take it personally?’ Well, this is SORTA what you’re doing but clearly, those are a poor choice of words. I created a mindset shift for myself that he is who he is at this present moment, and I can only control how I protect myself. I also use a tool I call ‘conscious reasoning’. Once he hurts me, I think to myself, ‘Ok, that hurts, I can feel the pain, but I will just honor it, and let it pass.’ I then take a few breaths and it’s usually followed by a fake smile (hate anything related to fake, but you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself). As human beings, both empaths and narcissists, when pain is felt, the natural thing to do is do anything you can to protect yourself. What I’m suggesting here, is instead of revenge and retaliating methods (I’d usually yell back, call him insensitive, etc) immediately, let yourself FEEL it, and LET IT GO, FOREVER. This, my loves, is the quickest route to love and compassion. Because in the end, love and compassion is really all about not expecting the return back. Because in actuality, and based on his track record COMBINED with his narcissism, the chances of this happening on a continuous basis, is extremely high. He will LIKELY hurt me again.
Please don’t interpret this as me saying, put yourself in toxic situations of emotional abuse. That is NOT what I’m saying. Your intuition will tell you when enough is enough and when to distance yourself appropriately. I’m just giving some tips when you stumble upon a situation similar to mine.
I’ll leave you with one last thing. I am currently reading ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise Hay. BEAUTIFUL BOOK. I am not even done with it yet and it has already changed my life. I mostly loved the part where she gave a great recommendation for a visualization. She said, ‘Visualize the person you need to forgive as a child. A scared child. Imagine them ALONE, scared and desperate for compassion.’ Do that for a few minutes. After all, we are ALL children of God (the universe), every single one of us. Empaths are love. Narcissists are love.
Hope that helps you as much as it helped me.
If you need more support around this (I am FULLY aware this is easier said than done), please don’t hesitate to reach out.