Atheist no more....
From Kindergarten all the way to 8th grade, my parents enrolled me in Catholic school. I believe the reason my parents enrolled my sister and I was because we lived in a not-so-good area, and the public schools were questionable.
I remember learning the classic stories from the Bible, including Adam and Eve (and that damn apple), Noah’s Ark, and when Jesus rose from the dead. I also remember, not buying it.
During that time, I felt no real connection to the teachings and learnings of Jesus Christ and his 12 disciples. Going to confession three times a week (which was WAY too much, I often found myself making up things I did wrong JUST so I had some material for the priest) and Religion class mandatory on the curriculum, was just not of interest to me. I found myself disconnected and FORCED and that is not something particularly healthy for a free spirit like myself.
When high school rolled around, we had moved to a better area. Therefore, my parents felt more comfortable (allegedly) enrolling my sister and I in public school. I went to a public high school 10 times the size I was used to, causing me to feel out of place and alone. This out of place feeling quickly spiraled me into a depression.
I battled depression on and off during high school and my early twenties. But what I did to cope was grasp externally so tightly to everything I could. This included apartments, friends, BOYFRIENDS, material things, EGO, and all the stuff that’s SUPPOSED to bring you happiness. This worked for a LARGE number of years, until one day, it didn’t.
So from my early teens until around 26 years old, I was living freely, identifying myself as an atheist. That’s a good 12 years. I would get super uncomfortable with the word God, and super religious people. When someone would tell me to pray, I would straight up laugh in their face. And I honestly cringed every time I said the word ‘I love you’, because feeling any type of vulnerability was an absolute no-go for me.
Well, the universe decided that now was the time to show me a different way of BEING. Maybe not necessarily a different way, but it was time to call me home. Because although it was an extremely painful lesson, it felt like home the entire time. This may sound odd, but through my entire life, I had felt a pain of not belonging, not being accepted for a very, very, long time. It wasn’t until I finally connected to source, all sense of not belonging dissolved.
A few months prior to my spiritual awakening, I had picked up a book on the basics of Buddhism. When my boyfriend at the time hurt me, it literally saved my life to understand his behavior and start my journey on the practice of forgiveness, something that was not my strong suite. But Buddhism wasn’t the end all, be all. Spirituality in general is what changed my mind.
They say religion is based on what you’ve been taught to believe, and spirituality is based on your experiences. And I couldn’t undo this experience if I tried. I know that the universe/God exists, because it presented itself to me. I know it exists because I FELT and KNEW it to be true. Like the snap of my fingers, it had happened within a few month’s time.
I also felt a love I never knew I could feel. Thought maybe a man could only give that to me. When in fact, only the universe and my higher self could. It was like pure bliss, and pure joy. From that moment on, I KNEW I’d never be depressed again.
I had a lot of questions. I’d think things like ‘Where were you when I was at this dark time, or that dark time?’ But I KNEW the answer. Everything unfolds perfectly as it should, and there are no mistakes. The universe decided I was ready, so it presented itself.
You've changed my dear.....
I know a lot of people have said I have changed, and it was extremely difficult for people to accept this new me. A lot of people saw it either as I was being fake as hell, or going through some type of schizophrenia (trust me, I did for a bit, too). But spirituality is really the undoing of things that you thought to be true, and getting back to BEING, about getting back to truth. It’s also about unlearning everything. I was taught crying was a weakness by society, and I gracefully learned that those who cry are really the strongest.
I wouldn’t wish my spiritual awakening on anyone, not even my worst enemy. It was hard to get through, but the universe doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. It really doesn’t, and I know this to be true. And you know it too, if you really dive deep within your heart. So if this is happening to you, feel blessed, very blessed. You are ready, and you were chosen wisely.
We are all here to learn lessons, the universe told me so. Everything is a lesson, and it is our job to figure out the lesson, learn from it, forgive it, and move gracefully on.