Equating My Appearance To Who I Really Am: Not A Buddhist Move

Keeping up appearances...

The other day I shamelessly decided to check out my appearance in the mirror (OKAY. I MAY have been preparing to take a selfie). Anyway, I noticed, my appearance has changed over the years but a few things have always remained the same.

Ever since I could remember, I have been tanning. I’ll never forget my first tanning experience. It was almost as if I got high from all the Vitamin D. Also, have you ever smelt tanning lotion before? It’s banging.

ANYWAY, once I discovered how flawlessly perfect my skin looked tan (EGO, EGO, EGO, lol), I was addicted. So addicted in fact, I distinctly remember my friends having a tan-irvention (see what I did there?). At this point, I was driving 25 minutes away to the best tanning salon in Monmouth County NJ, 5 days a week, and spending 20 minutes each session under those florescent bulbs. ADDICT.

The other thing I noticed when I was looking in the mirror was my hoop earrings. Yes, sometimes I wear earrings that are other than hoops. But oftentimes, I don’t. HAHAHA. Oh, and you can forget about me wearing no earrings at all. You will RARELY (never say never) see that happen!

And lastly, the ONE thing that is blatantly noticeable to me about my appearance/style is my SHOES. Not just shoes, wedges. Wedges in the morning, wedges in the evening, wedges at supper time (I’m SORRY, I never promised to not be corny, lol).

Everyone that knows me knows I have a HEIGHT COMPLEX. I am 5’2” and I just HATE being short. I am always WITH wedges. Even on my hour long commute to NYC every morning, and even in my own DAMN house. I love the way my wedges make me feel and look. DO NOT TELL ME TO TAKE THEM OFF IN THE HOUSE. I WILL NOT DO SO.

After noticing there are some things about my appearance that haven’t changed, I realized, do I actually IDENTIFY with these things? Is there some underlying attachment that isn’t exactly spiritually healthy?

With this being said, I wonder if my attachment issues stem not only with the people I love, but my appearance and how I perceive my physical body….

I thought really long and hard about this one. The truth is, YES. I identify myself with these things. I tried not tanning and had myself a major freak-out as soon as I started to look like a fair-skinned Anne Hathaway (who is GORGEOUS BTW, just not for me and my long BLACK hair). I tried wearing flats to work one day. I can assure you; I saw a tear brewing from the corner of my eye and changed IMMEDIATELY. The hoop rings, not too bad. Successfully went a few days and then resorted back to my old Guidette ways….

Attachment. It has to be the number one issue I have been facing my whole life. I’m attached to the way I think people should act, I’m attached to outcomes I think SHOULD (should is a self-hate word, BTW) be happening. I’m attached to control. That’s a fucking big one. I’m just attached in general. My appearance is no exception.

I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it again:

“The root of suffering is attachment.” –Buddha

I actually brought up this whole thing to my personal intuitive coach. She challenged me to go a week without these things. I immediately clammed up with fear and literally almost had an anxiety attack just THINKING about it.

I am not my body. I am not even my mind.

CLEARLY this is something that needs to be worked on, sooner rather than later. This attachment to my appearance hits home particularly because it tugs at my deepest darkest fear. My deepest darkest fear is not being able to myself and live out my highest truth. The lack here is, I’m equating my appearance to WHO I AM. As a practicing Buddhist, I KNOW that is not true.

Well, that’s what life is about. It’s all a learning experience! As always, I need to choose love over fear. One day….

Ballerina flats doe…. :/

UGH.