Feeling Disconnected And Being An HSP Seems To Be The Culprit

HSP’s: The struggle is real…

An HSP is a personality type that stands for Highly Sensitive Person. Being an HSP often seems like a curse, but it’s really truly a blessing. Today is one of those days where it seems like a curse….

I have mentioned before that I have always wondered why it was easier for other people to get past things and let them go, while I’m over here, slowly processing my emotions and healing my fragile heart, basically at a snail’s pace. When I finally realized I was an HSP, I was relieved to have figured that out, but then the anger set in. I wished I was like everybody else, just rapidly moving on or letting go like it was as easy as licking a stamp. OH HOW LIFE WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH EASIER.

But it’s not like that. And that’s okay, too. I have all the tools I will ever need to deal in life now, and I am beyond grateful. With that being said, I wonder why sometimes I don’t use them…

An ex comes to the rescue...

Yesterday, my ex-boyfriend of four years ago (MAN, how fast the time has passed!) came over my house to fix my printer (how sweet!). To thank him, I took him out to lunch.

We talked, and talked, and talked some more. The more I talked the more I realized how much I have truly changed since us breaking up. I have done SO much work in the past four years it is unbelievable. As I talked about “CRAZY” things such as quitting my job as soon as I move to NYC for a dream no one understands, I realized, ‘Wow, he’s missed out so much on my life, and I feel like I’m the one to blame.’

It is really hard for me to be around my exes, because the hurt feelings, betrayal, all emotions ever experienced with them, is MAGNIFIED for me. It is really hard to even be in the same room as them, and here I was sitting across from him, talking about spirituality, eating an Acai bowl (SO GOOD BTW), and feeling super happy that I was there at that very moment.

Being the person that I am, throughout my life, I have been a frequent visitor to psychics.

A lot of psychics have said some similar things about me, and one thing that kept ringing consistent, was that I love very hard and I am typically always friends with my exes. Well, hearing this, I must say, I know she is right. I felt so happy yesterday at that diner, and it was pure pleasure from this person’s existence and willingness to be around me. I love hard, and I just don’t ever stop.

I haven’t stopped. I’ve loved him since the day he helped me move into my North Jersey apartment. It was June, and we had been dating for six months. I hugged him to thank him for all of it. When I hugged him, I made a choice to be fearless, and I said ‘I love you.’ He waited a few seconds, but responded with ‘I love you, too.’ That was June 1st, 2009. I have never stopped. Not even for one second.

“Love is love” said the hipster…

The love has shifted over the years, but that is what love does. Love has many forms, but it’s all just the same thing. Love is love.

If I wasn’t so sensitive, would I have known that he sold his beloved Mustang and bought a Ford? Would I have known he went to Washington, DC on vacation? Would I have known he hated living at home with his parents now?

Although I was sitting across from a man I loved, I felt as if there was a connection but also a huge DISCONNECTION as well. Who was this person? Because in all honesty, I didn’t know him, and he didn’t know me either.

I hate hangovers...

So today, I woke up with a hangover from an awesome night in NYC, and I FELT some type of way. I felt, DISCONNECTED. Why do some relationships have to get stronger and some have to get weaker? In one weekend, I felt VERY connected to my sister, cousin and her girlfriend, while at some points with my ex, I felt like I could have been sitting across from a stranger.

As an HSP, I tend to gravitate towards relationships that are easier for me to handle emotionally. So with that being said, I’d like to throw out my notorious saying ‘it may be easier, but it surely isn’t better.’

I work 40 hours a week at a job where I work autonomously, and I have two freelance gigs that are about 25 hours a week total. ALL CIRCUMSTANCES ISOLATE ME FROM INTERACTION WITH PEOPLE. Then I started thinking, I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE MORE SOCIAL.

I am an introvert, I truly am. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like being around people. I re-energize alone, which is important, especially if I am being social. I take on a lot of people’s energies and if they are negative, forget it. I need A LOT of down time.

But like I mentioned earlier, I have all the tools I ever need to deal with any type of person. In fact, a part of my Intuitive Coaching program curriculum helps support HSP’s and helps give them the tools to deal with difficult emotions. So, AGAIN, with that being said, why am I not using them?

I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m readyyyyyyyyyy

I guess what I’m trying to say, is this: I’m ready to get out there and show people who I am and what I’m really made of, even if they think it’s stupid, don’t understand, or blatantly laugh in my face. I KNOW WHO I AM AND I KNOW WHAT I WANT. These are such great gifts I have received from the divine, and now it’s time to use them. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

And now that I have it, it’s time to use it. Fear, you do not exist. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, I AM SO DONE WITH YOU. Seriously, I am done. I am tired of being afraid people are going to hurt me. I am tired of being afraid I am going to fail. I am tired of being afraid I am going to be laughed out. Because the truth is, all of these things are going to happen! I’m going to get my heart broken again, I am going to fail, and I am going to be laughed at. And so what? Am I going to spontaneously combust? NO. Nothing. All it will do is make me a STRONGER woman (if that’s even possible at this point ;)) And what is exactly is wrong with that? Fear isn’t real. Only love is. Love is the only thing that is REAL. I KNOW this for sure. I KNOW THIS.

The next three months are going to be the most challenging in my life. I am going to be uncomfortable and faced with fear every single day. But like I said, I AM SO DONE. I’M DONE. Time to use the tools I have been hibernating with and get out there and kick some ass and change some lives. OH, and choosing love at all times. When I do this one simple thing, I will never feel disconnected again.

BEING DISCONNECTED IS FOR THE FEARFUL. FUCK YOU, FEAR. FUCK YOU.