Last night was a typical night in my world; ate a healthy dinner with my friend (and temporary roommate until my NYC apartment is ready), did some work for my business, and sat down to watch American Crime Story: The People Vs. O.J. Simpson. Calm, peaceful, working on my goals… UNTIL… I got an unexpected phone call from someone from my old typical life. He was a very close friend, who was very close to out-of-his-mind drunk. I’m not really sure the basis of the phone call, but he was yelling about lean pockets (inside joke). After the frozen dinner demanding, he made some comments that really hit me right in the heart. He said something along the lines of how we used to be friends, until I dated his friend. And that if that said friend was calling I’d pick up for sure….
I’m very sensitive to this subject because the three of us used to be very close (so close, I’d call us the TRIPOD). Until it went sour with the one (dated and had my heart ripped to shreds), and unfortunately, due to my sensitive nature, had to separate myself from them and their world.
It’s been about three years now. It has really taken a lot out of me emotionally to separate myself from them and basically mourn the tripod.
But my new life doesn’t consist of getting wasted on a random Tuesday night, nor does it consist of a four-pod (the tripod plus the ex’s girlfriend). My new life is so, what’s the word? Spiritually aligned? Healthy? Calm? Peaceful? Meaningful? Heart-centered? Happy? Yes, all of these.
Yet, I caught myself last night having a daydream. A dream that the drunk friend would pick me up, we’d go get the other leg of the tripod, swing by a bar, get more drunk, and then head to Quick-Check and pick up my specialty sub: The Justine Special (Grilled chicken, onions, oregano, lettuce, provolone cheese, buffalo sauce, pickles, on a whole wheat bun, PHENOMENOL WHEN YOU’RE WASTED) and inhale our subs while laughing at each other’s horrible and corny jokes.
Flash forward 3 years, and I don’t drink and drive, eat wheat anymore, stay up past 11 on work nights, or even like all the parties involved.
But that’s the thing, it was only a daydream. It was a moment of nostalgia I can feel aching in my heart. I miss that. I miss them. Or do I miss what we used to be? Living in the past is not exactly a lucrative way of thinking. How do you miss someone you don’t like? Yet, I was perfectly happy in where I was.
I guess this is where acceptance comes along. That daydream night is highly unlikely to ever happen again, and I’m going to have to be okay with it. I have full trust in the universe’s plans for me. Somewhere along the way it has decided that that wasn’t part of the plan.
So I guess at this point, I have to do the one thing I have to constantly work at, LETTING GO.
Goodbye, Justine Special. Goodbye, tripod. Just because you don’t live in my future, doesn’t mean you don’t live in my heart.