Anger, Guilt, and a Broken Shoe
Not sure if a lot of people know this, but I recently started a digital course by Gabrielle Bernstein (my idol, LOVE HER) called The Spirit Junkie Masterclass. It’s all about how to become a spiritual leader and coach. The program is super awesome and I am definitely learning a lot. I’m retaining a lot of information and insights, but one thing in particular is on my mind today.
In one of the modules, Gabby speaks about not being perfect. A really big misconception with wellness coaches is that you HAVE TO BE PERFECT. Yes, this blog I created is about my journey to enlightenment, and becoming free of all attachments and emotions, but every once in a while something happens to remind me I STILL HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
That brings me to my story of last night, which was a TOTAL SHIT SHOW. I met a bunch of old coworkers at a bar in Jersey City for what was supposed to be a happy hour. It somehow turned into an all-night thing. Actually, scratch that, I know how it turned into that. This particular group are a bunch of party animals and I absolutely love that about them. It’s good to let loose every once in a while. But the keyword phrase here is EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
I have actually cut down on the alcohol extensively in the last months for a few reasons. It hinders my weight loss and health goals. The hangovers slow me down the next day, and I just have no time for that. But the main reason I cut down is because I don’t like my behavior while intoxicated. It’s simply not who I am, and it doesn’t allow me to live my highest truth.
My old coworkers should know this by now, but vodka is my drink safety net. I know the effects on my body so well. However, they simply bypassed that fact, and served me whiskey shots ($1 shots BTW, that can’t be real life).
Next thing you know, I am trashed beyond belief. I end up just disappearing to go home, walking the streets at night ALONE and WASTED. I fell asleep waiting for the light rail and also once again while I was on the light rail. SMDH. The same man woke me up both times. There are no doubts in my mind that that man was an angel sent to protect me. I really don’t care if you think I’m crazy or not, it’s the truth. I woke up this morning (20 minutes before I was supposed to leave the house) with wallet, keys, cellphone, and safely in my bed. If you don’t believe in miracles you’re out of your damn mind.
You just wait, I'm not done yet.....
Unfortunately that is not the worst thing that I did last night. A whole lot of drunk texting happened, and it was not pretty, quite ugly in fact.
One of my poor ex-boyfriends was the victim this time. Usually I wouldn’t use the word poor when describing this particular ex after all the shit he put me through emotionally, but my behavior was highly unacceptable and just plain CRUEL. Like, when I say cruel, I mean DISGUSTINGLY CRUEL.
The thing that boggles my mind is WHY I decided to text him, and to pick me up no less. I literally can’t give you an answer for that. I know a lot of people probably think it was for sexual reasons, but I can honestly say that it wasn’t. I am currently seeing someone I am very happy with so it really wasn’t that. I think it could have been the fact that I truly miss this individual. It’s really weird because I don’t particularly miss him (he can be annoying at times) but my heart does. It’s really weird. The truth is, I do not want to be in a relationship with him, or date him in any aspect. I just want to be around him for who knows what reason. It baffles me to this day. It could also be the fact that I just spoke to him on Monday on the phone, and our conversation was so platonic, it gave me hopes of a possible friendship budding again. Well, I thought wrong because I’m pretty sure he’s never going to speak to me again. But then again, never say never.
I reread the conversation, and it took an ugly and gruesome turn when he mentioned he was with his ex-girlfriend, the one he left me for. This particular girl had also punched me in the face back in February (yeah, that happened). She thought I was hitting on her boyfriend, but then again, alcohol was involved so I can’t really say if that was true or not. Regardless, violence isn’t the answer, USE YOUR WORDS. ANYWAY, as soon as he mentioned he was with her, a switch went off in my head and the word vomit came spewing out. I mostly insulted the girlfriend’s character, called her a whore a lot (SMDH). After that was finished, I insulted their relationship. BIG TIME. I threw at him the infidelity among them and told him how perfect they were for each other because they both cheat and lie. REAL CLASSY, JUSTINE.
A hot mess is not a good mess to be in
Not my finest moment, and I am feeling HELLA GUILTY right now I had to write this post to get out my emotions. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO ANGRY? I literally don’t want to be with him. I don’t. I don’t trust him AND we have two completely different versions of what love is. He’s more relaxed and jaded with it, almost like it's some kind of joke to him, and I take it WAY more serious. Love is not cheating and lying. It’s just not. This I know…..
Yet, why am I so angry? Is it because she’s the one he left me for, or is it because she hit me? Or maybe because I know that while they are together we can never have a friendship? It’s weird because I ALWAYS FEEL MY FEELINGS, and this shit came WAY out of left field. But clearly, I’m still angry with him. I’m angry because he doesn’t act the way I need him to. That’s not choosing love, that’s choosing ego. I seem to always choose ego. Even in those texts, I was acting like I was better than him. I’m not better, I’m just different. I need to be with someone who has the same emotional intelligence as me. This I know as well….
But you see, that’s the thing, I really DO think they are perfect for each other. Not just based on this factor, but based on other stuff as well. So again, WHY THE FUCK AM I SO ANGRY?
Another case of the ego controlling me. I don’t want to be angry with him anymore. I am literally so sick and tired of it. I’M TIRED. I want to be free of it. I do. I practice every day. I identify it, and then I do work. I just want to be free. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to be enlightened. A wellness coach is not perfect, but they are certainly not cruel. I sent an apology text today and no response back, justifiably. I guess the only thing I can do now is continue to work on myself and keep moving. Every day, you are born again. What I do today is what matters most.
The broken shoe debacle
Oh, and to top it all off, I broke my shoe in the morning in the subway station and fell flat on my ass in front of the entire E train. How’s that for INSTANT KARMA?