An Absentminded Asshole

Ever since I could remember I have been clumsy, disorganized, and very ABSENTMINDED. I would get in trouble ALL the time with my parents for not having my room cleaned, or wiping my mess after I ate (which was always a GUARANTEE since I am a messy eater and always manage to miss my mouth). I remember I HATED being yelled at for instances where I felt I was just being myself. That was me operating on an unconscious mind. Now, since an awakened consciousness, I am aware of my absentmindedness DIRECTLY after the incident occurs. However, I haven’t stopped, which brings me to the conclusion that I am wired for a life of absentmindedness. Last week I was roasting vegetables in the oven and I started to unwind for bed, taking off my make-up and slathering coconut oil all over my face. I said goodnight to my roommate and headed to my room to meditate right before sleep. She then proceeds to say ‘Justine, you know you have vegetables in the oven, right?’ This was last week. I am 29 years old.

Situations such as these just can’t be normal. They just can’t. They happen on a pretty regular basis. On top of the absentmindedness, there is the clumsiness and the disorganization. How am I supposed to run a multi-billion dollar empire when I can’t even organize my Outlookfolders at work?

I am a busy, busy person and I need to be on point at all times. I have decided, like many times before, I will buy a planner and use it to organize my life. I’m happy to report so far, so good. It could be better, some days I forget to draw a big X on the days that have passed, and sometimes I don’t know what’s appropriate to write down. Should I write down my nail appointment? Or lunch with a friend? My gripe with this is that my life is NEVER BORING, something changes every day. I just feel like that’s a lot of unnecessary crossing out and erasing I’d have to do, and that wastes even MORE time. This planner thing is a tussle, but I am really trying very, very hard. The struggle is real.

Every weekend I begin by cleaning my room. Tidying it up and vacuuming like some sort of housewife. Then Friday comes along and again, it’s another war zone. THE CLOTHES. AND THEY’RE CLEAN CLOTHES. Why can’t I hang them up after I try them on like a normal 29-year-old? It only takes two more seconds of my day. I can hear my mother’s scolding in my head from 14 years ago. She would say the same thing. I understand this rationale, but for some reason it is still a struggle.

Maybe memory has something to do with it. I have always had such a great long-term memory, not so much a great short-term. But the short-term has been getting significantly WORSE, to the point that it’s actually scaring me. I sometimes can’t remember what I had for breakfast. I have been taking supplements that help me, gingko biloba (I once called it Balboa, you know like the famous boxer, because I couldn't remember what it was ACTUALLY called, SMDH). I know what you’re thinking; YOU’RE SMOKING TOO MUCH WEED. You need to relax because I JUST started smoking weed a year ago, and my problems stemmed WAY before that. I’m sure the weed isn't helping it though, but thank the universe I don’t do it often.

Well, I want to be successful, and messiness is not typically associated with success (and when I say success, I mean owning my own business success, because REAL SUCCESS is being truly happy). So, with that being said, I will continue with the planner (PAINFUL), cleaning my room, and trying to stay organized as hell. I am always making a CONSCIOUS effort of my behaviors and trying to rectify the negative ones such as my complete absentmindedness. I just hate when people FORCE me to be someone I’m not. I can’t be a Type A, okay?! Let’s accept this. I am more of a free spirit who still manages to get ketchup in her hair. Don’t judge.