Is Having an Open Heart a Bad Thing? The NYC Street Guru Has Me Thinking...
About a month or so ago, I was walking to the tanning salon on my lunch break in New York City (don’t judge). As I’m walking the 9 blocks (total dedication) a man in a turban is walking towards me. As we are crossing paths, he stops me and says “You have a big heart.”
It’s quite a generalization for anyone to make, but low and behold, he starts to give me a straight up reading on the sidewalk of 55th Street. I tried not to be rude, and let’s face it; it’s no secret that I love psychics, so I listened attentively. He said a lot of things that ring true to who I am but one thing in particular stood out in the crowd. In addition to my big heart, he told me I shouldn’t love that hard; it will only hurt me; like it did so the last time I opened it fully for someone.
Honestly, I was a little appalled. I am a firm believer that you can never love too much, or be TOO nice or TOO kind. I just think it’s impossible. The world is the way it is due to a lack of compassion and empathy, two characteristics that come from deep within the heart. YET, I have experienced giving love and being SHIT on in return, and it does not feel pleasant. In fact, it is almost unbearable as a highly sensitive person, and it oftentimes feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest.
This street guru got me thinking: maybe he’s right.
I think about the ego a lot (you think?). I constantly preach how ego is a manifestation of the mind, only love is real. This is a very true statement and a core value of mine. So why do we have an ego to begin with? I have to do more reading, but I have a theory. Maybe, just maybe, it’s there to protect us. Protect us from hurt. Does this explain why big-hearted people have high egos?
As an aspiring enlightened individual, my ego has been getting in the way. In fact, a really good friend of mine and I were having this conversation the other day. We were talking about two particular situations in which I got angry and downright mean to an ex, and she performed a revenge stunt on her ex. We got angry and guilty for a split second at ourselves for behaving this way, yet we had a hard time finding remorse in the situation. Not finding remorse did not sit well on us.
As guilty as I feel, my feelings of satisfaction and relief override the guilt. And the guilt doesn’t really stem too much from hurting him, it stems from the fact that I know better, and when I know better, I do better. I’m not supposed to do WORSE. Yet, I feel happy….
YIKES. That’s not good, but that means SOMETHING.
Maybe my heart was just sick and tired of being open for this particular individual and my ego just jumped in the driver’s seat and hit the gas. So with that being said, is it just human to act with anger instead of bottle it up and try to find love in the situation later? If it’s not, why did it feel so damn good?
We have egos as a protection for living in this modern world. I guess I should be grateful that I have one at all, as a survival mechanism. It’s almost like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder, and this person can’t hurt me anymore. And that alone, is a really good feeling. THE BEST feeling in fact…..
The Dalai Lama has an open heart, why can’t I?
Dalai Lama, how do you do it, man? I want to be just like you. I am tested quite frequently, and sometimes I pass, but oftentimes I don’t. I need to practice more. But in the interim, I have to forgive myself for being human and lashing out in anger. When I know better, I do better. I have to do better.
Was the street guru guy right? WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT GUY? Is it normal to have a little bit of an ego for self-protection? Maybe, sometimes. But then again, I don’t want to be normal. I want to be enlightened and live every day choosing love. The struggle is definitely real….