Note to Self: Love is Freedom, Not Control
As you all may know by now, I consider myself a conscious individual who can quickly point out my faults. For example, I used to suffer BADLY from anxiety. I KNEW I suffered I just didn’t know how to properly fix it until I discovered Buddhism and spirituality. Since then, my anxiety has been much more controlled and alleviated. So with that being said, how come, all of these years, I never realized I had a control issue?
It’s just so crazy to me how I never even had that thought. I only started to think this way when a good friend of mine pointed it out. My controlling issues are MAGNIFIED when it comes to the people I love. I love very, very hard. So naturally it pains me to see a loved one making a wrong decision, putting themselves in harm’s way, or just plain fucking up their life.
I remember years ago, my really good friend would continue to fuck his ex-girlfriend despite being broken up for several years. She was an alcoholic and at one point, she was in a new relationship cheating on this guy with my friend. He just pretended to not know. He was getting laid in the process so he always just turned the other cheek.
I remember getting soooooo mad at him every time I saw her leave the apartment in the morning. It was like a trigger. I knew deep down he couldn’t possibly like himself for this behavior. Some things you just KNOW (it’s called intuition; I started a whole blog centered on it). Mostly because he’s a great guy, THIS I KNOW. So without hesitation, I would intervene and try to get him to talk to me about his feelings. When he didn’t agree with my point of view, I would get angry and LITERALLY yell at him for not feeling the same way as me. As I just wrote that sentence, I realize how NUTS I truly am. I am literally NUTS. So let me get this straight. I yell at other people for having feelings that aren’t congruent with mine? I am quite the asshole.
I am so controlling with the ones I love the most (my poor ex-boyfriends). Naturally, this stems from my overblown ego. It also comes from the sixth sense we all have, intuition. Intuition is one of the most powerful resources in the world. I am very in tune with mine. The intuitive feeling that my good friend was hating on himself for contributing to an unhealthy relationship, was way too overwhelming to bear, that I literally could not process my emotions. In turn, that led me to YELL at him. What do I really think that getting angry will accomplish? For the record, he CONTINUES to perform the same behavior with his ex. But, all I can do is use my emotional intelligence and quite simply, love them. I keep preaching about always choosing love, yet I resort back to my old ways. It ends now. Love is freedom, not control. I have to constantly keep that as a conscious thought.
BTW, I am so grateful I am able to recognize this now. It is all thanks to embracing spirit and practicing spirituality. It is the single best thing to ever happen to me.
I'm going to get there. I'm going to get there. I'm choosing love.
I need the ones I love the most to know this one thing: It is just coming from love. I just love them so much it hurts to see them in a bad situation. I want to help so bad that my control issues become suffocating and limiting. It’s not a good look, and I am CHOOSING to change.
It’s going to take a lot of hard work, but I am willing to do it. Some people say people never change. Never say never…..