Things I said I would NEVER do
I know I spend a lot of time reminiscing, staying present is something I struggle with but AM working on. But I can’t help but feel joy sometimes when I feel nostalgic. The comfort zone can be such a beautiful place, but it’s no place to live.
With that being said, I went to a wedding last Saturday where I was in a room with two of my ex-boyfriends. I gotta tell you, I felt so HAPPY interacting with them. Most likely because I am a ball full of love and when I love people, I NEVER stop loving them.
During the wedding, a friend of mine wanted to know if I wanted to step out and smoke some weed back in the room. At this time, I was speaking to ex-boyfriend #1 of 9 years ago. I declined, just because I hate combining smoking and drinking, it is not a good look (TRUST ME). My friend walked away and my ex-boyfriend said “Why would he ask you that, you don’t smoke.” And this was the part that I had to say “That’s not entirely true.”
He then reminded me that my 20-year-old self once said, “I’ll never smoke weed. I don’t think it’s wrong, I just have zero desire.” I in fact, did say this.
That got me thinking. I have actually said that many times over my life time. I would NEVER do this, I would NEVER do that. What a change of tune I’ve been singing lately…
Actually, my new outlook and one of my favorite sayings is this: Never say never.
Looks like I’m singing a different tune…
It’s true. You just NEVER know. The universe will give you whatever you need at the right time you need it. At 28, I decided to pick up a blunt and take a puff. I FELT as if the universe has brought me to this place in my life, in which I had to give marijuana a chance. BTW I love it. Way more natural for my body!
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about all the things I said I would never do, and did them. I’ve compiled a list. Check them out!
- Smoke a dooby. Let me clear. I was NEVER (there’s that word again) against marijuana. I always thought it should be legal. It’s absolutely ludicrous our country criminalizes people for it. I actually just always connected marijuana with laziness. So I acted out of FEAR and judged other people for it. If you smoked, I deemed you lazy in my head. When you judge, you are in the absence of love.
- Cheat on a boyfriend. YES. I said I would never. I was scarred from my first boyfriend. When I say scarred, I mean DEEPLY hurt. My poor highly sensitive self didn’t understand what was happening at the time. Anyway, low and behold, I cheated on the next boyfriend. I felt trapped with him. No excuse. There is never an excuse. But I am deeply sorry. I loved him a lot.
- Be friends with my ex best friend again. When I was 25-years-old I had a HUGE FALLING OUT with my best friend. When I look back now, it was so incredibly dumb. I tried to PRETEND it didn’t bother me. Covering it up with Pino Grigio and leaning heavily on my poor boyfriend. Low and behold, last spring my ex best friend and I started talking again. WHY? Spirituality, baby! The absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I reached out. This woman reached deep within her soul and forgave me. My gratitude is immense. Just last week, I was in the car with her. She made a hilariously obvious comment about my horrible driving skills, and we just laughed for like ten minutes straight. The last minute, she didn’t notice, but I looked over, and just smiled. I then silently said in my head “We’re back, baby.” It took a year and a half, but it was MORE THAN WORTH IT. Love you, babygirl.
- Want to get married. HOLY GUACAMOLE. I really never, never thought I would want to get married. Even when I was with my first boyfriend, and we would talk about marriage, there would be this little voice (intuition) knowing that it would never happen, mostly because I didn’t want it. I loved him very much, but I had deep commitment issues I wasn’t SELF-AWARE of. But circle back to 2015, I am 100% sure I want to get married.
- Wanting to live alone. WOW. Seriously, didn’t think I’d ever actually WANT that. I tried to about two and a half years ago, and I was NOT emotionally stable enough to do so! I cried all day EVERY DAY. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that by being physically alone, I can feel INTENSE FEAR in my heart. If someone else was physically in the room, I wouldn’t have to deal with it so much. NOW, I am fearless. I can FEEL it. HOT DAMN. What a beautiful feeling :)
I’m sure there are many others I just can’t think of right now, but these are the BIG ones. What I’m trying to say is this, don’t ever deny yourself your intuition, it always knows what you need at that particular time. Whatever direction your life is going in, it just KNOWS what you need, don’t deny yourself because you once said 'NEVER.'
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