A few weeks back, I was commuting on the subway where I was witnessing a man hit on a woman.
It was quite entertaining. I KNOW what you guys are thinking, “Why are you eavesdropping, you nosey bitch?” HAHAHA. But for those who are not familiar with New York City commutes during rush hour, people are on top of each other. It’s nearly impossible to not hear other conversations!
Anyway, he was telling her his life story, which includes living in three major cities in three years. Honestly, she wasn’t impressed. But I have to say, I was SUPER impressed. But not in the way you think…
My first thought was this: “This person is so fearless. Moving to three different major cities, uprooting his life, and consistently going outside his comfort zone. If only, I can be THAT free. Free of worry, free of FEAR.”
THEN IT DAWNED ON ME. Why can’t I be FREE? What does this guy have that I don’t have? I would have asked him, but I didn’t want to mess up his swag game (yeah, that’s right, I just said that).
A couple days after this incident, I had a call with the intuitive coach I work with. She quickly pointed out my angry energy. She asked me honestly, “What are you so angry about? And don’t answer now, think about it.” I love when I have spiritual homework….
I came to the conclusion that I was angry at myself that I wasn’t like the subway swag guy. The only difference between us was that I was choosing FEAR, and this guy was choosing LOVE.
Where the fuck is this FEAR coming from? My life is so beautiful. I am the HAPPIEST I’ve ever been. This fear is coming from SOMEWHERE. Then my lightbulb moment happened. I am so angry that I am so emotional and highly sensitive and other people get to cry for one day and get up and continue living their lives. Most of the time, when emotional things happen to me, I feel paralyzed for months, or even years. I CAN’T RECOVER FASTER THAN ‘NORMAL’ HUMAN BEINGS. I’m jealous. I’m envious. I’m angry.
The following week I told my coach of my breakthrough. We talked about how I NEED to accept that I’m different. It’s time. I’ve always hated this about myself, always knew I was different, too. I wish I can be besties with my ex-boyfriends immediately, that is the DREAM. But I just cannot do it. Why do I HAVE to be conscious and self-aware and literally break down every feeling I’ve ever had? I mean, come on, I have an entire blog about it (LOL). It’s quite emotionally exhausting FYI.
Acceptance is freedom. Forgiveness is freedom.
It’s okay. I am highly sensitive and it is time to accept it once and for all. I mean, for goodness sake, I am becoming an intuitive coach for a REASON. I CAN HELP OTHERS JUST LIKE ME. I know what feeling deeply fearful feels like. I know. I’m here, my little empaths (highly sensitive individuals), I’m here.
So if I change my perspective and way of thinking, the anger dissolves bit by bit. I am self-aware for a REASON. How do I know this? Because the universe does not make mistakes. I was created like this for a REASON. I should be BLESSED that I know the REASON now. There was a time when I was a confused clusterfuck. So grateful not to be in that place anymore.
Well, fear, I’m KICKING YOUR ASS.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I will take any emotion any day of the week, including fear, because I can beat it. Why? Because I am LOVE. Like I mentioned before, the only difference between me and this guy is CHOOSING LOVE. So simple. I practice every day. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’ve been feeling more fearless every day : Thanks swag guy, you have inspired (‘in spirit’) and the kicker is you probably won’t ever know it! Isn’t life funny sometimes?
Light and love always <3