How a Cockroach Taught Me about my Higher Self

Cockroaches are gross. That is all...

“You know you need to keep this place super clean so you don’t get cockroaches, right?” said one of my besties on the first day I moved into my Upper East Side apartment in NYC. I just brushed it off because well, I’m not that dirty and this was the UPPER EAST SIDE after all.

Well, I’ll be the first to tell you, cockroaches don’t discriminate. Whether the area is nice, whether the building is nice, they are EVERYWHERE. How do I know this? I guess seeing is believing in this case….

I was actually working from home during a lovely GORGEOUS day in NYC. My eyes wanted to believe the spot on my black rug was a fuzz, but I’ve never seen a fuzz that big. It was indeed, a cockroach.

Freaking out for around 20 minutes and not letting my eyes off of it, I finally killed it. Thank goodness for my mother on the phone (I called her, I panicked) gave me the words of encouragement I so desperately needed. Ten minutes later I found another in my bathroom. I didn’t think twice this time, grabbed a shoe and crushed him.

I haven’t felt pure fear like that in a long, long time...

Low and behold, there were a few reasons why all of a sudden, after 2 months of living here and seeing NOTHING, I saw two within an hour. I hadn’t opted in to the monthly exterminations, it was a change of the season, I’m on the first floor, etc. etc.

I went to sleep with one eye open that night.

The next day I did a lot of thinking. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for NYC. Maybe I just don’t belong here.” Then I started fantasizing about moving. My place would have NO BUGS EVER. Maybe I’d be in Washington DC, where it’s city life and no cockroaches. Maybe I should just do that.”


Living in NYC has been my dream for so long. Am I really going to let a cockroach stop me? I mean, I JUST got here, love every minute, and I’m going to let this FEAR (which in reality, isn’t really REAL) get in the way? Who am I?

I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate bugs. But want to know what I hate more than bugs? Letting fear and ego win. They can’t win, because love wins every time. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I have to feel the fear and do it anyway….. <3

Sometimes when my earring touches my neck and I don’t expect it, I flinch, because the trauma that has happened to me causes me to think I have a cockroach climbing up my neck. That’s something I’m working on, and releasing fears about. But I know I can do it.

So my biggest lesson, feel the fear and do it anyway. Don’t be tricked by the fear, because that is not coming from your higher self, it is coming from ego, which is the false self.

Fuck you, fear. BYE FELICIA!